The thing I struggle with the most is the fear that I’m not good (and can’t be good) at the things that I want to do in my life. I don’t have anything that drives me, something that i simply must do to survive. And I’m not talking about personal relationships here, I’m talking about a vocation—or even an avocation—that I’m passionate about to the point of blind obsession. It seems from the example presented by people-in-the-world that I would care to emulate, that this passion—having something that you love—is a crucial component of getting out there and doing what you love.

I’m a professional web developer, but I’m not exceptionally good at it, and I don’t necessarily want to do it for the rest of my life. I don’t wake up every morning itching to bang out the next batch of half-assed code, or clean up someone else’s slop.

I’m a writer, but I can go weeks at a time with only numb twinges of guilt at not writing a single word to move a big work forward. I haven’t produced enough finished work to know if I’m going to be any good, and so I’m constantly worrying over whether I’d be able to “make it” as a writer if the stars aligned and I was actually able to pursue it full-time. And anyway, many of the—passionate—writers I follow online appear to be doing quite well while dealing with the same (or, often, more) time sinks and responsibilities that I have.

I’m a photographer, but it seems I only pull out the camera to capture family moments, and haven’t had, or taken the time in ages to simply practice, or attempt to do something “serious” and artistic. I busy myself with organizing and finessing the photos I’ve already taken, while devoting only passing mental energy to coming up with an exciting photo project.

I’m a blogger, and while I’ve outlined nearly 40 future posts for my main blog, I’ve only gotten one of them in a releasable state, and I can’t quite settle on why I’m putting the effort into it in the first place. I’m not going to be an a-list blogger, I’m not going to be a huge influence on the tech community, or make a name for myself as a Photoshop guru, or a scholar or philosopher, so what am I doing it for? I can’t even keep up with a personal, family blog that I setup to communicate exclusively with family and friends. At least the family blog has a point, I suppose.

This is an awful self-pity party I’m throwing here, isn’t it? Boo-hoo, I’m a fuck-up and a failure, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Well, I’m working on it.

The question is, do I need to find a passion? Do I need to look for something else that excites, engages, and drives me? Or should I develop passion for the things I already love (or want to love)? And what does that entail?

Does passion grow naturally, through judicious application of effort in a certain direction? Or is passion a derivative of a process like religious devotion and faith, wherein I simply choose to believe that I’m passionate about this thing, and therefore, by believing, make it true?

To be, or not to be?